hear ye, hear ye

I hate a lot of things in this world.  Some people think that makes me "mean" or "judgmental" or even "really mean."  But they're wrong.  My hatred for the bulk of humanity and their products merely speaks to the fact that I care enough about myself and others to demand a higher caliber of existence.  Or something.

I would now like to discuss, in no particular order, some of the things that draw to them my scalpel-like laser of hatred.

Improper punctuation and/or spelling in general, but particularly on business-related objects, such as signs or mailings.  Come on, people.  If you're going to spend the money, why wouldn't you proofread your goddamned sign?  I understand that not everyone is good at spelling or punctuation or knowing their native language, but couldn't you at least ask your sister-in-law or someone to just look things over before you send it off the the printers?  And speaking of printers, I often wonder how exactly their participation in this travesty goes down.  Do they notice that their client wants them to print 10,000 fliers with the word "candle's" and they just don't say anything?  Or do they not notice this type of thing, either?  So many questions.

On a side note, there is a laundromat down the street from my house that advertises NEW TRIPBLE LOAD WASHERS!!!  I realize that I should hate them for this, and I truly did have hatred in my heart at first...but now, for some reason, I find it irresistibly cute.  Like I'm the laundromat's older sibling and I just want to ruffle its hair and say, "Aw, gee, sis."  My boyfriend theorizes that it used to say "double" and then when they went all bling and got their triple load washers they were too cheap to have the whole sign repainted.  Aw, gee, sis!

KFC Famous Bowls.  Okay, seriously, how can something be "famous" if it's brand new?  The answer is: it can't.  It can't, I say!   Although my primary  issue with this abomination is the  morally offensive name,  it also looks pretty darn foul.  An xtreme combination of otherwise unrelated ingredients  piled together into a bowl does not a meal make.  Cheese and gravy?  Corn?  Good god.

Large animals; birds.  Large animals can seriously injure or kill you without even meaning it.  They have gigantic mouths.  And genitalia.   This includes horses, alligators and crocodiles, giant squid, bears, whales, extinct species such as saber-tooth cats and giant beavers, and especially "imaginary" creatures such as the amarok, commonly known as the giant wolf.

As for birds, well, they're just plain creepy.  Plus they're dirty and want to peck out your eyes.

Distressed jeans and white pants.  Hi.  Your pants are fucking ugly.  They make you look fatter than you already are, not the least because that oil slick-colored patch of "wear" runs directly across your ass and down the widest part of your thighs. 

White pants are just asking for trouble: visible underwear, the optical illusion of widening (as in, the opposite effect of wearing black), and dirtiness.  Who are these people who can leave the house in the morning wearing white pants and not come home a filthy mess?  I hate them and their pants.

Sylvester Stallone's face. WTF?  For realz.  What is going on here?  He's sixty-years-old and he looks like some sort of burly, hyper-masculine German cyborg whose silicone face has begun to melt off in a weird, mildly effeminate manner.   Not that there's anything wrong with being a mildly effeminate cyborg.  There's just something so off-putting about about, well, everything regarding his face.  Look at those eyebrows, for chrissakes. 

And while we're on the subject of weird hyper-masculine-effeminacy, can I just throw Carrot Top into the mix?

Yes.  Yes, I can.

The current administration. Does anyone actually take these yahoos seriously?  I can't even begin...

Chain restaurants.  Why do people love paying $12 for reconstituted, unhealthy, offensively innocuous "food" at an establishment with sticky tables, prefab decor, and a wait staff who is either painfully and understandably indifferent or painfully and inexplicably over-enthusiastic?  I guess it's comforting to know that your Wacky Western Wrap with cheesyranch dipping sauce will always be soggy and bland, no matter if its eaten in Albuquerque, New Mexico or Madison, Wisconsin.  I don't know about you, but when I pay that much for a meal it's called a fancy night out.  Or an inebriated trip to the corner taco shop.  But at least at the taco shop $12 buys me two giant burritos, a chicken quesadilla, a side of beans, and my dignity a large horchata.

Don't worry, there will most certainly be more to come...

Comments

[amanda-faye]

look, the thing about the kfc bowls is this: a chicken dinner may consist of chicken, mashed potatoes, corn, and gravy. this is fine. whether or not one agrees with piling all this into a bowl is personal preference and i don't think i am anyone to judge. however, it's the cheese, the damned CHEESE that makes this bowl an absolute abomination.

[moira]

carrot top is fucking foul.

[elyse Sewell]

I don't know if this is going to post successfully because I don't have a TypePad account, but if it does: I think the signmakers do notice the mistakes and laugh at the hapless customers who ordered a typo-strewn sign. After all, it's not their fault that the customer requested a sign advertising candle's and breakfast barittos.