an open letter to bigass vehicles.

Dear Douche Baggy Assholes Driving (And, More Specifically, Parking) Gigantic Vechicles:

As you may have already gathered from the addressee section of this letter, you are a bunch of douche baggyy assholes.  I'm going to ignore the fact that you clearly have no morals regarding your impact on the environment.  I will also forego discussing your apparent disregard for your own safety and bank accounts.  I'm not even going to get into the gross, consumerist, buying-a-bigass-vehicle-in-order-to-compensate-for-some-crucial-element-that-you-are-lacking-in-your-lives thing.  No, I have a much more pressing and personal issue with you: parking.

To wit, I can't see when you park next to me.  You see, I drive a normal sized car, which cost me a reasonable amount of money to buy and insure, and gets a reasonable amount of miles per gallon.  Any normal sized person would have absolutely no problem seeing over or around my car.  Every time I find myself backing out of a parking space next to you, however, I have morbid fantasies about being smashed to bits by a speeding car--a car which I cannot see, nor can see me, due to your excessive girth and height.  This shaves precious minutes off my alloted backing-up-in-parking-lots time, as well as causes me great mental anguish, cursing, yelling, and, sometimes, UVI (uncontrollable vehicular incontinence).  

Some people might expect that with today's climate of environmental awareness/unpredictable gas prices, you assholes would be scaling down to more appropriately proportioned vehicles.  But no.  No, it's virtually impossible to enter any parking lot without encountering some retarded behemoth of a car--which is, by the way, usually either overlapping the parking lines of a compact space or blatantly taking up two entire spaces with its bullshit ass.

Case in point: Yesterday I went to the grocery store and, passing up several spaces, specifically chose to park my car between two other normally sized vehicles.  "You jerks," I thought as I wheeled my cart inside, "You won't get me this time."  And guess what I found upon completing my shopping trip and returning to my car?  Why, a Ford F-150 on one side of me and a fucking Cadillac Escalade on the other side.

This aggression will not stand, man.  

Sincerely,

Sarah

P.S.- Goddamnit, you pieces of shit.

P.P.S- For more open letters, may I suggest here?

Comments

[kristin]

Look, Sarah, The Chinaman is not the issue here.

And 'pieces of shit' is not the preferred nomenclature. Asian American, please.