another list, having a title which is of reasonable length.

9 Things That I Wish I Liked, Because, God, It Would Just Make My Life Easier, But, No, I Just Can't Seem to Make Myself Like Them

1) Shorts.  I'm not against other people wearing them (well, sometimes I am--like when people's thighs rub together and then their shorts get all angled up towards their collective crotch).  They just look fucking disgusting on me...like the denim-wrapped sausages that you have to eat every time you go to the fair.  Mmmmm, denimdawgs.

2) Raw Tomatoes.  Okay, let's get this clear: I like cooked tomatoes; I like sun dried tomatoes; I like ketchup and tomato sauce and tomato soup.  I just find raw tomatoes disgusting in both form and taste.  I cannot tell you how many minutes of my life have been wasted picking little tomato leavin's out of my food, as They are always putting raw tomatoes on goddamned everything, everywhere you go.  Plus, like 99% of the time, they aren't even quality tomatoes.  Why, even if I liked them, would I want washed-out, rotten-water-tasting, unripe tomatoes on anything?  I ask you.

3) Dogs.  We've been here before.  But the thing is--I really want to like dogs.  Because, jesus, they are goddamned everywhere, always sniffing your parts and jumping on you and barking and shit like they're King Dog of Dog Mountain.  Fucking dogs.

4) The Sun.  Sure, the sun does lots of nice things like aid in photosynthesis, help people see things, and creepily smile down on the land with the face of giant baby.  But it also does some not so nice things, like burn me, give me skin cancer (someday--I'll bet you an abnormally-bordered mole!), and burn me again.  I have to wear a ridiculous amount of high SPF sunscreen, and I still manage to turn a nice shade of dogboner-red within, like, 5 minutes.  Bah!

5) Hiking.   Most people get all weird when I say that I hate hiking, probably because they love it or some shit.  Well, guess what?  I hate it.  It makes me hot and sweaty and tired.  As a former fat kid bookworm, physical exertion has never been something I can actually enjoy.  And even worse than that, I just don't get the point of it.  You spend the whole time looking down at your feet so you don't trip over an improperly placed nature fragment, and then you get home and you're like, "Wow, I just went on a hike!  Boring!"  On top of all this, it is always practiced in conjunction with number 4; frequently with number 1; and occasionally with number 3 (see above).  I really wish I liked going on hikes, because then people wouldn't know I'm a lazy, out of shape asshole.  

6) Cilantro.  Like tomatoes, this shit is in goddamned everything.  You can't escape it.  And it's gross.  'Nuff said.

7) Shitty Radio Music.  This one is fairly straightforward, I think.  Wouldn't it be nice to be able to turn on the radio and not feel the overwhelming urge to vomit/go on a diatribe/put on NPR?  Yes.  Yes, it would.  This reminds me of a conversation I had with a crazy coworker, whose car I was forced to be in all damn day as I was being trained:   

Crazy Coworker: [turning up the radio which was playing some shitty, totally unmemorable song] I love this song!  Don't you?

Me: Um, I don't really know it.

CC: Really?? How do you not know this song?  They play it on the radio all the time!

Me: I don't really listen to the radio.

CC: You don't!? Do you just hate music or something?

Me: No, I like music.  I just don't listen to the radio.

CC: Well, how do you find out what's good if you don't listen to the radio!?

(I'm pretty sure after this she thought of me as the weird "vegetarian" who hated music.)

8) Getting Visibly, Overly Excited About Things.  If I got visibly excited about shit then maybe people would stop saying things like "Smile!  It's not so bad!" or "Sarah just doesn't get excited about anything!" or "What are you, a Cylon agent!?"  Please note the exclamation marks; they are not accidental.

9) People.  This is really the most basic one.  Sometimes I think of all the joy that I could be feeling, basking in the warm embrace of humanity (or at least, you know, not dreading basic social interactions).  But then I watch Daisy of Love and I'm like "Oh, yeah."

Comments

[kristin]

About fuckin' time, deary. You've not posted in ages. And your list is divine. Once again you made me laugh and agree with 99% of everything you say. Especially about the shorts thing. I look horrendous in them too and I don't want to see others in them.

[Elyse Sewell]

On many occasions, I've pretended to love dogs just 'cause I don't want some dog-crazed imbecile to conclude (correctly, but that's beside the point) that I'm a hard-hearted 'yotch. I resent the hell out of every moment spent resisting the urge to recoil at the touch of a wet nose, making boring-ass dog-related conversation, and conjuring "fond" caresses for some slobbering cur. Testify, sista. Dogs blow.

I realize that this is not the appropriate forum in which to declaim my love of birds, but you know it's there.

[Philipp]

excellent !
agree with all of your points except 4) & 5) but as i grew up in switzerland and we have long stupid overcast winters the sun is just too precious to me and i am a big nature fan who will happily go on a 9 hour hike.

however, i passionately hate dogs, cilantro, shit music, raw tomatoes (no taste, face it, it's just water somehow bound in a compact mushy round thing, eww) and i too look ridiculous in shorts.

[Ian]

As your husband, what's really amusing to me about this list, besides the funny writing, is how little of it we actually see eye to eye on.

1. I wear shorts daily.
2. I dislike raw tomatoes, but not nearly as much as you.
3. I dislike dogs, but not nearly as much as you.
4. I love the sun.
5. I love hiking.
6. I love cilantro.
7. I listen to the hip-hop/pop station in the car (and only in the car) and am much more aware of pop music than you.
8. I get visibly, overly excited about things all the time.
9. Yeah, people are the worst.

[sarah]

clearly we're headed for divorce.

[Sssssister]

Chess. I don't hate it; I just couldn't really care less about it. There, I said it.

[sarah]

scandalous!