Throughout my long, illustrious career as an Awesome Lady Whose Personal Tastes Frequently Veer Into Some Weird Shit (ALWPTFVISWS), I've found myself, from time to time, harboring celebrity crushes on some people who most others consider "conventionally unattractive" or perhaps "weird-looking" or maybe even "kind of child molester-y."
Well, fuck you, America. I'm not ashamed of my proclivity for weird hottiez. Here is a sampling of my lust interests, in no particular order of hottnezzz:
1) Freddie Mercury. What is it about this man that does it for me? Is it the gayness? The buckteeth? The satin jumpsuits? I'm pretty sure it's the last one.
Don't stop me now.
2) Bill Murray (specifically, 1970s-era SNL Bill Murray). I love me a funny man. With pockmarks, apparently. Oh, Todd--when will you leave Lisa Loopner and realize our perfect, perfect love??
Star Wars/If they should bar wars/Please let these Star Wars/Stay.3) Jonathan Pryce. I can't really offer much insight into this one, other than that he possesses the usual features I'm drawn to (dark hair, sizable nose, two heads), plus I was totally obsessed with Brazil in high school/freshman year of college--which are, as we all know, known as "the awkwardly sexy years."
Have you got a 27B-6?
4) Kevin Spacey. Yeah, I don't know. Just...hottt.
Hand me the keys, you fucking cocksucker.
5) Jareth, the Goblin King (AKA David Bowie in Labyrinth) [not to be confused with Cherith Cutestory, maritime lawyer, who is also totally hott, but in a more socially acceptable way]. I can't remember if I've ever talked about this here, but when I was a kid I had a gigantic crush on Jareth. Which isn't really all that weird, I guess--except for the fact that I wasn't sure if Jareth was a man or a woman. I was confused by the hair, makeup, and outfits (which all read female to me). But then there was the crotch. The giant, bulging crotch. Which would seem to communicate "male." Because I was so incredibly enlightened as a kid, however, I was comfortable with fluid gender/sexuality boundaries--so I was like, "I don't care; whatever it is, it's HAWT!" (And, yes, I did think with semicolons and xtreme, all caps misspellings as a young child.)
Your eyes can be so cruel.PS: I found this.
6) Cameron Frye (AKA Alan Ruck in Ferris Bueller's Day Off). Again, I don't feel like this crush is necessarily weird--I mean, Alan Ruck isn't a bad looking fellow. I guess I just think it's kind of strange in that he was definitely neither the intended, nor the actual, Seriously Crush-Worthy Dude (SCWD) in the movie. But, you know, I like to stick it to The Man and whatnot.
Call me sir, goddammit.
The End (For Now)
[Note: If it so happens that you, dear reader, are among the thousands of men with whom I've had some sort of sexual-ish interaction, please don't interpret this post as any sort of comment on your own (weird) attractiveness. Instead, consider it a celebration of the fact that you, despite your weird attractiveness, can somehow manage to have a sexual-ish interaction with someone as awesome/conventionally attractive as me.
Also, I just realized that these are mostly childhood crushes, so maybe you can make yourself feel better by assuming that my tastes have improved significantly as an adult. But probably not.]
