droller than thou.

food on film (two years later).

So, I was looking through my Flickr account and I realized that I never shared any pictures from our awferful honeymoon in Athens.  WTF?  I uploaded them and wrote little descriptions almost exactly two years ago and then did...nothing.  Shocking.

At any rate, here they are.  Oh, and be prepared: these are only pictures of food.  Because that's the most important part of vacation.  Obviously.

presenting: important things.

Here are some important things that you need:

1)

2)

3)

4)

5)

6)

7)

You're welcome.

on admonishment.

Last night as I was driving home I saw a bumper sticker festooned with crucifixes and praying hands that said, "Want our troops home?  THEN PRAY!"  Now, I don't even feel the need to mention that this logic is, as the French say, retarded.  However, I do take issue with the fact that the person driving that SUV clearly thinks that you and I are not doing enough in this bringing-the-troops-home endeavor, and, moreover, is telling us what we should be doing.  

Well, guess what?  I thought of some other bumper stickers that this person could put on their car:

Want a glass of water?  Then put a pencil under your bed and wait for two weeks!

Want to get married?  Then throw hotdogs in your bathtub!

Want a college degree?  Then write a letter to a squirrel and eat some marmalade!

Want to stop smoking?  Then take a shit on a napkin and buy a hat!

Want to make a phone call?  Then vomit!

To the Worldwide Consortium of Bumper Sticker Manufacturers: call me!

yessssssssssssssssssssssssss. s.

OMG!  I am so excited!  I am so excited that I'm using multiple exclamation marks!!!

I just got a new phone (the LG enV3, in case you're curious), and in addition to a bunch of awesome things about it (qwerty keyboard, better camera, easier to use, blahblahblah) it has...

A SEMICOLON!

You have no idea how happy this makes me.  Or maybe you do.

on things sorely needed by my fair city.

Okay, so I realize that most of the people who read my blog don't even live in Albuquerque, but whatever.  You will nevertheless hear my pleas.  This city is in desperate need of the following things:

1) An Awesome, Independent Do(ugh)nut(tt) Shop.  Let it be known far and wide: I love doughnuts.  And unfortunately, all we have here is Dunkin' Donuts and, like, one Winchell's.  Krispy Kreme closed awhile ago, much to my chagrin.  There is, however, Paradise Donuts (to which I have never been, admittedly--I'll have to rectify that soon), but it's out in Bosque Farms.  Yes, it's only a 30 minute drive from my house, but in Albuquerque time that's like 2 hours.  Find a review of Paradise Donuts here.

But back to the main point: we need at least one awesome doughnut shoppe in this city, preferably  walking distance from my house, but I'll settle for downtown/Nob Hill/Huning Highlands area.  See?  I'm flexible.  Last month I became obsessed with this idea, and began planning my future donut empire.  I have a plethora of flavors and business names all ready to go, if anyone is interested in partnering-up.  The leading contenders for store name (courtesy of a late night bar-based brainstorming session with my sister) include: Holey Doughnuts; Mighty Doughnuts; Dickhole Doughnuts; Dirt City Doughnuts; The Greazy Hole; Ye Olde Thyme Dough-nuts; Presenting: Doughnuts!; and Professor Sprinkles' Donutarium.  Cast your vote now and make Albuquerque Doughnut History (ADH)!

What we don't need is another cupcake store.  I think there's four now (not counting multiple locations of the same store).  How can a city this size support so many hip-five-years-ago snack establishments?  How can we support so many Thai restaurants, for that matter?  (I'm not by any means complaining about that last one; I'm just baffled.)

2) Excellently Repurposed Motels.  For those of you who have never been to Albuquerque (or, perhaps, actually live here but are afraid to go west of San Mateo/south of Montgomery--yes, I know people like this), there are a bunch of boarded up/burned out/meth-labbed/generally sketchy motels and motor courts all along Central Avenue (the famous Route 66).  Last year, my sister and I spent a great deal of time (like, several weeks) concocting our dream business plans (are you seeing a pattern here?) for one such mistreated jewel, the El Vado Motel.  We talked about turning it into a hip bed and breakfast, which also used some of its space for community/cultural events--things like art shows, knitting groups, dance classes, book clubs, band performances, and block parties.  

Other ideas I've had include turning the old motels into studio apartments and, more plausibly, retail space--keeping the original architectural details and design, of course.  One space which I think is very promising for this kind of not-quite-a-strip-mall strip mall is the now defunct Silver Moon Lodge.  It's in a great location for a cluster of little retail stores and there's even a space out front for a diner or something.

Needless to say, nothing has ever come of my scheming; I'm too poor and lazy to get shit done.  But maybe someone, somewhere will read this and be like "Hellz yeah!  I'm totally gonna do that!  Three cheers for Professor Sprinkles!"

3) Better Public Transportation.Riding the L everywhere on a recent trip to Chicago made me wish we had something along those lines here.  But I know this one is truly a pipe dream.  Sigh. 

4) More All-Night and Late-Night Eateries.  Gone are the days when you could drunkenly scarf and then immediately vomit up a mouthwatering Frontier breakfast burrito/sweet roll/western style hashbrowns between the hours of 1 a.m. and 5 a.m.  Now you have to either squeeze it in before the bars close or wait to do it before your morning jog.  (For those of you not in the know, the Frontier used to be open 24-hours; then it got all gang-y and bar-y and they cut back the hours.  Now there is a ridiculous line to get in on peak weekend nights, complete with security guards monitoring the number of people allowed inside at one time.  This means that I have to avoid going there at these times.  Lame.)  Now, of course you know that I've already plotted my late-night food business, right?  Oh, I so have.  You just wait.

So, what do you say, Albuquerque?  Help a brother out.

another list, having a title which is of reasonable length.

9 Things That I Wish I Liked, Because, God, It Would Just Make My Life Easier, But, No, I Just Can't Seem to Make Myself Like Them

1) Shorts.  I'm not against other people wearing them (well, sometimes I am--like when people's thighs rub together and then their shorts get all angled up towards their collective crotch).  They just look fucking disgusting on me...like the denim-wrapped sausages that you have to eat every time you go to the fair.  Mmmmm, denimdawgs.

2) Raw Tomatoes.  Okay, let's get this clear: I like cooked tomatoes; I like sun dried tomatoes; I like ketchup and tomato sauce and tomato soup.  I just find raw tomatoes disgusting in both form and taste.  I cannot tell you how many minutes of my life have been wasted picking little tomato leavin's out of my food, as They are always putting raw tomatoes on goddamned everything, everywhere you go.  Plus, like 99% of the time, they aren't even quality tomatoes.  Why, even if I liked them, would I want washed-out, rotten-water-tasting, unripe tomatoes on anything?  I ask you.

3) Dogs.  We've been here before.  But the thing is--I really want to like dogs.  Because, jesus, they are goddamned everywhere, always sniffing your parts and jumping on you and barking and shit like they're King Dog of Dog Mountain.  Fucking dogs.

4) The Sun.  Sure, the sun does lots of nice things like aid in photosynthesis, help people see things, and creepily smile down on the land with the face of giant baby.  But it also does some not so nice things, like burn me, give me skin cancer (someday--I'll bet you an abnormally-bordered mole!), and burn me again.  I have to wear a ridiculous amount of high SPF sunscreen, and I still manage to turn a nice shade of dogboner-red within, like, 5 minutes.  Bah!

5) Hiking.   Most people get all weird when I say that I hate hiking, probably because they love it or some shit.  Well, guess what?  I hate it.  It makes me hot and sweaty and tired.  As a former fat kid bookworm, physical exertion has never been something I can actually enjoy.  And even worse than that, I just don't get the point of it.  You spend the whole time looking down at your feet so you don't trip over an improperly placed nature fragment, and then you get home and you're like, "Wow, I just went on a hike!  Boring!"  On top of all this, it is always practiced in conjunction with number 4; frequently with number 1; and occasionally with number 3 (see above).  I really wish I liked going on hikes, because then people wouldn't know I'm a lazy, out of shape asshole.  

6) Cilantro.  Like tomatoes, this shit is in goddamned everything.  You can't escape it.  And it's gross.  'Nuff said.

7) Shitty Radio Music.  This one is fairly straightforward, I think.  Wouldn't it be nice to be able to turn on the radio and not feel the overwhelming urge to vomit/go on a diatribe/put on NPR?  Yes.  Yes, it would.  This reminds me of a conversation I had with a crazy coworker, whose car I was forced to be in all damn day as I was being trained:   

Crazy Coworker: [turning up the radio which was playing some shitty, totally unmemorable song] I love this song!  Don't you?

Me: Um, I don't really know it.

CC: Really?? How do you not know this song?  They play it on the radio all the time!

Me: I don't really listen to the radio.

CC: You don't!? Do you just hate music or something?

Me: No, I like music.  I just don't listen to the radio.

CC: Well, how do you find out what's good if you don't listen to the radio!?

(I'm pretty sure after this she thought of me as the weird "vegetarian" who hated music.)

8) Getting Visibly, Overly Excited About Things.  If I got visibly excited about shit then maybe people would stop saying things like "Smile!  It's not so bad!" or "Sarah just doesn't get excited about anything!" or "What are you, a Cylon agent!?"  Please note the exclamation marks; they are not accidental.

9) People.  This is really the most basic one.  Sometimes I think of all the joy that I could be feeling, basking in the warm embrace of humanity (or at least, you know, not dreading basic social interactions).  But then I watch Daisy of Love and I'm like "Oh, yeah."

texting: bleargh.

As I have discussed before, I have some issues with the available choices whilst texting.  And now a new indignity: "crap" is not a part of the preprogrammed T9 (or "word" or "whateverit'scalled") function, but "amen" is.  

And, yes, I did have occasion to use both in the same text message, thank you very much.

cookie time.

Sometimes we all just need a little cookie time.

on the inappropriateness of easter. and boobz.

This morning I saw a Yahoo! headline which read "Thousands of Children Expected at White House Easter Egg Roll."  I, of course, read it as "Thousands of Children Expected to Eat White House Eggrolls."  I was confused.  But then I read the actual article and I was even more confused...Why would Fergie perform at an Easter event for children?  She doesn't exactly ooze wholesomeness (which is generally the way one expels one's wholesomeness, I'm told).  

Which reminds me of two things:

1) Holidays that I don't celebrate¹ are annoying.  Yesterday The Mister and I wanted to go out for lunch and had to settle on our third or fourth choice because everything else was closed.  "Oh, look at me!  I want to be with my family on a special day!  Wah wah wah!"  Suck it up and cook me some quiche, asshole.

2) Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels makes my soul bleed.  The women on this season are somehow even more hideous than the ones they managed to scrape up last time (Daisy, anyone?).  I only saw part of one episode and I was severely disturbed.  The women competed in the "First Annual Truck Stop Games" or some such cleverly named contest, which involved performing various tasks (belly flopping into a pool of beer, stripper pole dancing, etc.) whilst clad in basically nothing.  They were judged by  a panel of leering, overweight rednecks.  The most disturbing part by far, however, was the fact that the audience was mostly comprised of families: lots of young girls and mothers who enthusiastically clapped and cheered.  I kept searching the mothers' faces, sure that I would see a cringe, a frown, even a clearly faked smile--some indication that they realized their eight-year-old daughters shouldn't be exposed to such over the top misogyny...But, of course, no.  

It freaks me out that adolescents grow up with such twisted examples of desirability and sexuality these days.  I mean, clearly idealized images of women have always been just that--idealized and therefore not real to some degree.  But it seems like things have reached some sort of stripper aesthetic extreme in the past decade or so, with this weird sense that women are empowered by being hyper-sexual, even while they're helping to exploit themselves.  It's all too bizarre.  

It seems pretty clear to me that shit like this is part of a long-building backlash against feminism--or at least a backlash against strains of feminism that existed several decades ago, or maybe even just what people  wrongly perceive feminism to be--even if they don't consciously realize it.  There's a book that addresses all this stuff, called Female Chauvinist Pigs: Women and Rise of Raunch Culture.  Maybe I should actually get around to reading it someday?

And that, children, is the story of how the Obamas, Fergie, and Bret Michaels ate eggrolls with the Easter Bunny and a cadre of strippers on the White House lawn.  

The End.

¹When/if we have les bebes, we will definitely be doing the secular Easter Bunny thing--you know, jellybeans not Jesus?

on things, stuff, items, etc.

I don't like starting off a post by apologizing for not posting in a long time, so that's not what I'm doing.  I'll just say that I wish I would have posted something sooner than now, but, alas, I've been lazy and busy...but mostly lazy.  Also, nothing really that exciting and/or infuriating has happened to me lately.  How sad.  

But, in the interest of informing those of you who actually care what I'm up to, here are...some things I've been up to:

1) Not exercising.  Our elliptical machine has been making weird, knocking sounds, which makes me fear for various things, and so I've been avoiding it.  Also, I'm lazy.

2) House-hunting with some friends who are moving to Albuquerque in the near future.  They found a really awesome (like, really really awesome) Mid-Century modern house (not pictured) in my childhood neighborhood--a location which just further ups the awesome quotient.  We took a walk around the area, which I hadn't done since I lived there in 1996, and I was shocked at how many other rad Mid-Century modern houses there are there.  (For those of you locals who are interested, the neighborhood is, apparently, called "Sandia Hills" or possible "Sandia Ridge": the area bounded by Indian School & Constitution, and San Mateo & Washington, near Altura Park.)  It was like a lightbulb went off in my brain: it appears that my deep love for this style of house (which, as my sister and I say, "looks like a library") has its roots in my subconscious/memories of childhood.  The house we grew up in, and loved dearly, certainly looked like a library.  It's just weird that I never made the connection until now...I hope they get the house!

3) Nannying (or babysitting, if you prefer) for a four-month-old.  He's cute and heavy and drools a lot.  I basically make funny faces at him all day.  It's pretty fun.

4) Avoiding yard work.  I know I need to do it, but, god...I just don't want to.  I wish I was rich and could just pay someone to do the landscaping for me...Any takers?  I can pay you in stew and...more stew.  I made a lot of stew recently.

5) Enjoying school for the most part.  Right now I'm learning (X)HTML/CSS, Photoshop, JavaScript, and database design with SQL.  I've had my ups and downs--particularly in my JavaScript class which involves far too much math for my tastes--but I'm pretty pleased overall.  Learning the various programming languages is like solving puzzles, which satisfies my deep, nerdly cravings.  I also get to work out some of my artsy-fartsy juice with the actual design aspect.  Um...note to self: never use the term "artsy-fartsy," especially when it's followed by the word "juice."  That's disgusting.

6) Growing my hair out.  How long will this last (a pun, haha!)?  I have no idea.  I know that deep down in my heart I'm meant to have very short hair, and I'm positive I will be called back to the sisterhood of the pixie cut soon, but I'm having fun for the time being.  I just discovered that I can kind of do a sloppy Princess Leia-type thing with little buns on the side of my head, although I prefer to think of it as a kind of Swedish farm girl thing--but, like, after she has a roll in the hay with Bjorn and it's rather disheveled/full of hay.  But instead of hay it's weeds.  I mean, no, wait; not weeds.  Something...else.  Rainbows?  Yes.  Ahem.  My ultimate goal is to rock the milk maid look, but with bangs.  So much excitement, I know.  Try to contain yourselves.

7) Planning a trip to Chicago.  The Mister and I are going for a wedding this summer, from May 30th through June 8th.  Please heap upon me your suggestions for such things as: where to stay, what to do, and, most importantly, where to eat.  My family is wholly comprised of dedicated food tourists, and eating will definitely be at the top of the priority list.  Also, any real, live Chicago denizens are encouraged to, you know, hang out with us and crap.  I want to see you transplanted Michiganders, you know who you are!